Ramblings – Thoughts during Stress Leave

I’ve been on stress leave for a while now – about two to three weeks – and honestly, I have no idea what it’s doing for me. On one hand if I think about going back to work and the stresses there (stresses I’m not going to get into while I’m still employed there). I get physically sick and anxious and want to do anything but work. On the other hand if I think of just staying at home I feel completely useless and worthless, and wondering why I’m always anxious if nothing goes wrong in my room. It’s a consent fight between deciding if being anxious and physically ill at work, or feeling worthless and consenting doubting my existence at home.

It hasn’t bothered me that I’m able to gain a break (I mean, I could technically be on this break while on vacation time due to how long I’ve worked without breaks), what has bothered me is my inability to get better so I could go back to work and not be an unhealthy mess while I take care of my clients. I wish I could be better, I wish I could care for others without thinking ‘Oh, they’re going to get me fired, they’re going to hurt me emotionally, I’m going to be fired for being ill and queer’.

You know, life is odd when you’re queer and sick.

One of the things I want to do while on this break, though, is improve on my creative endeavours. Perhaps get a freelanced gig while I’m at it – something outside my stressful job. A ‘part time’ freelanced gig, whatever. Something else to get income! Or I could work on my web comic some more, join some zines? Anything else to help myself emotionally and mentally.

Quite honestly, I might also attempt to do some writing and start posting snippets on here for criticism and just…To improve on it more. My writing skills were pretty okay growing up, but I just stopped due to thinking I wasn’t a “proper author” (what the heck is a proper author? I wonder daily).

I’ll keep you all updated on stress leave, and if I think I should have done this – hah…

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